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November 23 Kids are Still Saying the Darndest ThingsMichael got me twice on Saturday and thought I'd share: 1) Karen was out of town so I took the kids down to Eat 'n Park for lunch. As we walked in, there was an Amish family sitting at one of the tables having lunch. Wanting to display what he learned in school, Michael exclaims loudly, "Daddy, what are those pilgrims doing eating here?" 2) After lunch we want to my parent's house for to celebrate my Mom's birthday. For her birthday I got her a digital picture frame and had pulled it out several times, converting pictures and loading them so that she would have photos of her kids and grandkids on it when she fired it up. When she opened her picture frame Michael asked, "Do you like it Nana?" Mom replied, "Very much Michael" To which Michael retorted, "Good, because we tried it out first and decided to give it to you!". Those kids just say the darndest things. August 07 An Open Letter to All Employees - Love, The IT DepartmentWhen you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from our video recording. When an IT person says s/he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 login passwords. When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your problems right out. We don't even like eating food, we exist only to serve. Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. When we do something as a favor in our own time at our own expense, feel free to criticize us. That's OK, we don't expect you to lift anything or get under your desk. Manual labor was part of our IT degree. When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's electronics in it. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call Computer Support. We can fix your telephone line from here. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a challenge. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what is meant by "my thingy blew up". When you call someone in to fix a problem - but don't tell them about the other 10 problems until they physically arrive. That's OK - we can clear our schedule for the rest of the day. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. When your application can't do what you want... blame us, we write all the software that runs on your PC and can customize it on the fly. Bill Gates lets us do this. Remember the IT guy doesn't need to think - he has seen every problem before. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/software/network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of their desk and stare at them until they hang up. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics. When you think the network/e-mail/office application is going slow, call us as we have a button to press that makes it go back to it's normal speed. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know about the problem. The instant you call us (on our mobile) - we can see what's happening on your screen and can solve it instantaneously. Be aware that IT people don't need to use the toilet. So you have a right to be upset if we don't answer the phone. When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server. When an IT person gets in the lift pushing ?100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?" And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for your call.. The whole day!!! Love, The IT Department July 24 The Ant.... A FableThis was so good that I had to pass it on.....
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Every day, a small ant arrives at work very early and starts work immediately. She produces a lot and she was happy. The Chief, a lion, was surprised to see that the ant was working without supervision. He thought if the ant can produce so much without supervision, wouldn't she produce even more if she had a supervisor!
So he recruited a cockroach who had extensive experience as supervisor and who was famous for writing excellent reports. The cockroach's first decision was to set up a clocking in attendance system. He also needed a secretary to help him write and type his reports and ... he recruited a spider, who managed the archives and monitored all phone calls.
The lion was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs to describe production rates and to analyze trends, so that he could use them for presentations at board meetings. So the cockroach had to buy a new computer and a laser printer and ...... recruited a fly to manage the IT department. The ant, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paperwork and meetings which used up most of her time! The lion came to the conclusion that it was high time to nominate a person in charge of the department where the ant worked. The position was given to the cicada, whose first decision was to buy a carpet and an ergonomic chair for his office.
The new person in charge, the cicada, also needed a computer and a personal assistant ,who he brought from his previous department, to help him prepare a Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimization Plan.
The Department where the ant works is now a sad place, where nobody laughs anymore and everybody has become upset...It was at that time that the cicada convinced the boss , the lion, of the absolute necessity to start a climatic study of the environment.
Having reviewed the charges for running the ant's department , the lion found out that the production was much less than before; so he recruited the owl , a prestigious and renowned consultant to carry out an audit and suggest solutions.
The owl spent three months in the department and came up with an enormous report , in several volumes, that concluded : " The department is overstaffed ..." Guess who the lion fires first?
The ant , of course, because she "showed lack of motivation and had a negative attitude".
NB: The characters in this fable are fictitious; any resemblance to real people or facts within the Corporation is pure coincidence
The End May 20 Why I Love T-BallWorking with 4, 5 & 6 year olds is just a blast. I was coaching 1st base and one of my players was on first after his hit. Michael was at the plate and I called out, “C’Mon Chief!” My runner looked at me and said, “Why do you call him Chief when his name is Michael?” I replied, “Because that’s his nickname. Doesn’t your dad have a nickname for you?” He thought for a second and said, “Yeah….. Meat-Head.” May 19 FYI – Depression SucksI’m wondering today why I can have a beautiful wife and beautiful children on a beautiful day in a relatively charmed life….. and feel like hurling myself off a fucking ledge into a raging river. Fortunately, besides suffering from depression I also suffer from an acute sense of responsibility and know the burden that it would place on my family if I was no longer around. May 10 What's Going On?Over the past week I’ve actually had two different people ask, “What’s happened to the blog?”…. so I guess there are at least two people that read it!
April 17 In the Quiet HoursAs I sat on my recliner in the wee-hours of the morning, what some call the Quiet Hours, with Elizabeth quietly on my lap, her head resting on my shoulder, her toes brushing my knees; I couldn’t help but reflect on how few more opportunities we will have to spend those quiet times together. March 19 I Disgust MyselfGetting up yesterday morning I found it difficult to find pants that fit and a belt that I could even get on anymore. I’ve always been a big man, but since my promotion last year I do nothing but sit at my desk. Prior to that I was often getting out, visiting with customers, making system repairs, carrying equipment….. now I just sit. Also, with the new job came new responsibilities and added stress…. I’m a stress eater….. Equation: Sitting all day + Stress Eating = Big lump of shit…. ;) While I really don’t think I’m a big lump of shit (I still have some positive qualities), I have put on about 30 pounds since last year and not only do I feel terrible and my clothes don’t fit, I’m sure that I continue to adversely affect my health. With cholestoral issues since my 20s and high blood-pressure now in my 30’s I need to change…. for me and my family. I need your encouragement and support. I’m hopping on the trusty Wii-Fit scale, since I’ve now outgrown the bathroom scale, and let’s see where we are so we can get to work. 311 lbs… hmm, actually not as high as I thought it was going to be considering how tightly my clothes are fitting, but that’s where we’ll start. My goal is to lose a realistic 3 lbs every 2 weeks. By plugging the current numbers into my trusty health calculator to take into account my age and lifestyle…. 2,312 calories per day to make my goals. Through the use of www.fitday.com to track my food and daily exercise I am going to change my lifestyle and be more healthy. I hope you’ll join me by reading my daily updates and offering your encouragement, support and general ass-kickings when I need them. Thanks! February 19 Our Very Own Pliny the ElderToday at Kindergarten, the class had a project where they had to draw the numbers on a blank face of a clock. When Michael turned his paper in the teacher looked at him and said, “Michael, don’t do that again.”… you see Michael had finished and turned his sheet in with all the numbers completed…. in Roman Numerals! February 14 Random Thoughts on an Early Saturday Morning
January 06 That’s One Serious Multi-VitaminAs I picked up a new bottle of Men’s 1-A-Day at the local Wally’s earlier this week I spotted a Major League Baseball logo on the front of the bottle. The first thought that popped into my head was, “WOW, they’re putting Human Growth Hormones in multi-vitamins now?” No joke……….. December 27 The Family Outing – Western PA Model Railroad Museum and Celebration of LightsWe took the day today to make a family excursion to the North Hills of Pittsburgh. We started with the Western Pennsylvania Model Railroad Museum in Gibsonia which was a nice family value for the afternoon. The non-profit organization asks for $6 / adult and $4 / child to get into the museum. The first level is primarily a children’s section where the kids can play with a couple of Thomas layouts as well as play ‘engineer’ with some layouts.
The upstairs, and primary attraction, of the museum of a replica of the rail line starting in Pittsburgh and running to Cumberland, MD. The model is quite intricate and very well laid out. Much of the towns and landscape contain accurate replicas of houses, business and landmarks for the cities they represent. My only complaint is that the layout is several feet off the ground making it hard for the kids to enjoy. There were even spots where Karen had a hard time seeing parts of the layout. They had key areas where they had steps and platforms, but much of the layout can not be enjoyed by the children unless they are being carried. The layout area was also quite crowded with people as you had to snake around the models, but is probably much better when not visited during ‘peak’ season. Following a couple hours at the museum we took advantage of an exceptionally warm day for late December in Western PA and went to North Park for a while so the kids could enjoy the playground. Then it was dinner and off to Hartwood Acres where we took in the Celebration of Lights at Hartwood. We were quite impressed with the lights and again it was a great value at $12 / carload. The trail is driven in your car and is 3.2 miles long. With the speed maintained through the park it took about 45 minutes to get through and I have to admit we were absolutely astounded at some of the light displays including the colored forests and tunnels of light. We had to laugh though as we drove past Hartwood manor and Michael exclaimed, “It looks like the Baum House”…. not sure where he gets off making that comparison, but if he wants to think he lives in a mansion so be it. We won’t let him know any differently. Both kids seemed to really love the day and I think we’ve come up with a new annual tradition. Michael was exhausted and passed out in the car on the way home and E is wound up and still running around in her bedroom…. after singing “I’ve been working on the Railroad” the whole way home! Great memories…….. December 15 BCS Declares Germany Winner of World War II - US Ranked 4thThis is not my material..... so I won't take credit, but it's good enough to pass along: ******************************************************************* After determining the Big-12 championship game participants, the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II. "Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work--including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule--our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking." Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated "The US only had two major victories--Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced by head-to-head contests--they consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event." Rupert Stooplegruber, great grandson of German Chancellor Adolph Hitler, and who lives in Norman under an assumed name, said "Yes, we lost to the US; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks." His grandfather has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn 'style points' to enhance Germany's rankings. Stooplegruber protested "Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces." The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented "France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2." Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines in spite of blowout losses at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. December 11 Tech Support Part IIWell, after my call last Thursday, and my assurance that my issue had been escalated to the engineers and that somebody would be in touch; Earthlink finally called me back tonight.... 6 days later..... AT 11:00 AT NIGHT! Karen is calling Verizon to switch our internet over tomorrow. December 04 Why I Hate Tech SupportNow as a computer professional I try to give Tech Support people the benefit of the doubt because remote support is a shitty job... but that doesn't mean that I have to like working with them. Please find following an actual, unedited (except where marked) live chat I just had with an Earthlink support rep: Welcome to Earthlink LiveChat. Your chat session will begin shortly. Feel free to begin typing your question. 'Jewel A' says: Thank you for contacting EarthLink LiveChat, how may I help you today? ************************************************* <<This was all pasted into the browser as my SEND button had stopped working so I had to reconnect to the live chat session>> 'Jewel A' says: Thank you for contacting EarthLink LiveChat, how may I help you today? thebaums@earthlink.net: I have to cycle the power on my modem at least once every 1 or 2 days. It works fine for a little bit and then I start to get slowdowns in the network and then a lot of "Page Can Not Be Found errors". This is consistent across all computers on my network, on XP and Vista. I have also run a new phone line to the modem as well as bypassed my router and have seen no improvement in perforance. I believe I need the modem replaced to resolve this issue. Jewel A: Hello, I’ll be glad to assist you in resolving the issue. thebaums@earthlink.net: ok Jewel A: Let me know the status of all the lights on the DSL modem when it disconnects. Jewel A: thebaums@earthlink.net: The lights are the same as when it is connected... POWER - SYS - 100 - DSL - ACT are all lit. As I said at the beginning, it doesn't completely disconnect at first it starts to slow down until it takes up to 60 seconds for a page to load. Sometimes I get a page could not be found error, but if I refresh it will resolve.... it will just take a long time for the page to load. After recycling the power on the modem, it will load quickly again for a 1/2 day or so and then will begin to slow down. Jewel A: May I know the name and model number of your modem? thebaums@earthlink.net: Zyxel Prestige 645M-UHP Jewel A: Are you using any router? thebaums@earthlink.net: Yes, I have a Netgear Wireless router going into the modem, but this problem has occurred even when bypassing the router. I have tried that. Jewel A: Have you tried power cycling the DSL modem? thebaums@earthlink.net: I have already told you 3 times.... I cycle the power on it at least once every 1 or 2 days..... that is the only way to get the system working again. Jewel A: Mostly you will get disconnections due to some interference device that is near by DSL modem or phone line. *************************************************** I may have to talk to Karen about going to cable....... Come Out of that Closet!As I'm in a strange location this week I was on my way out of the training suite and to the restroom when I opened the door from the facility..... and walked straight into the closet....!
I sheepishly glanced around to make sure that nobody saw (good, the receptionist isn't there) and proceeded out the real door.
I really thought that stuff only happened in movies........ December 03 My Christmas ListNo, this isn't some "I just hope for World Peace" hippy-crap.... This is a link to my Amazon.com Wish List that I've been adding things to over the past two years: https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/3L36B2E74SLAC If you've been wondering what you get your favorite blogger..... wonder no more :D November 24 Communion StoryAs many of you know, Karen is Catholic and will take Michael with her to church on Sundays. This previous Sunday we were going to my parents house for dinner, so Karen was explaining to Michael about how they were going to have to leave church early so we could get on the road to Nana and Papa's. Now when they leave early it's usually right after Karen goes to get communion. Michael looks up at her and says, "Are we going to leave after you go get the mint from Jesus?" November 11 The Den of IllnessCan't say that I'm looking forward to going home tonight. Karen took the kids to the doctor and I get to look forward to: Karen - Pink Eye Michael - Throat and Ear "Gunk" from a bad cold Elizabeth..... 1 of each from above. Hopefully the medicine will knock all 3 of them out! :D November 01 McCain - Obama Dance OffPerhaps the funniest political short I've seen since Jib-Jab's "This Land". Check this puppy out: http://www.minimovie.com/film-128460-McCain-Obama%20Dance-Off |
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